I am not a failure...I am NOT a failure

I am not a failure. I have to repeat this to myself often, particularly in the last few trying weeks. There are some days I can't even convince myself this. I read a blog post yesterday from a woman who has two children, both who have ADHD. It was talking about how many people don't believe this condition exists. At one point she stated something along the lines of this: "If you are a person who doesn't believe ADHD exists, then obviously you don't have it, nor have you had to watch your children struggle. Lucky you." There is nothing like this feeling of being a complete failure as a parent, watching your children not only struggle academically, but to also watch them be completely out of control, doing crap you KNOW you've taught them is wrong (or as I call it, "making bad choices"), trying to get them under control and listen, and not succeeding. Of course, people stare at you like, "get your mother-flipping kids under control lady." Eventually you just break down and cry. I can't tell you how often I have cried in the last few weeks with all that's going on with J, as well as with R who is completely our of control and because he is only four, there isn't really much we can do about it from a resource aspect.
The feelings of loneliness I think is the worst part. There are no support groups (at least in my area) for children with special needs. If there is a general "special needs" support group- I doubt we would be welcome; the disorder ADHD really is seen as a bit cliche' and almost viewed by many as just an excuse for misbehaving children: The author of yesterday's blog wasn't wrong about that fact. It's also hard to maintain friendships when you are constantly feeling so tense with stress nothing makes you smile, it's at that point when friendships, and adult contact is so important for keeping one's sanity. There are "friends" who have blown me off for other friends, which is something I thought was supposed to end with High School. But, there are also friends who have actually met me for lunch, or whatever it may be... for them I am eternally grateful, they have no idea how a few minutes of uninterrupted adult chat maintains my sanity. Of course there are the friends who have just as little time as me due to their own life issues: YAY Adulthood!
Regardless of friendships, or whatever it is I've rambled about, at the end of the day I'm just so tired of trying my damndness to succeed as a parent, and falling on my face every day. I literally just called the kids into the house and ushered them up the stairs to their rooms for harassing our neighbors, again (knocking on their doors and asking for stuff), when they knew full and well they were supposed to stay in the yard. This is actually new today- they are usually very good about staying in the yard. I mean, we've got an acre and a half of land to play in, no need to leave! So now, it's time to go up there and have the same conversation we already had once today. Wish me luck (more like patience).

The Med Game

Tomorrow J has a DR appointment in which we will break it to him that the current meds she's on just isn't working, and NO I will not raise the mgs again. 20mg seemed like a lot to be sticking into my 42 pound child and if it's not even taking the "edge" off, what's another 10mg gonna do? There are a half dozen different medications out there now for ADHD, with another half dozen used to treat other things but have been also proven to improve symptoms of ADHD, so there's no sense in just putting a higher dose of ONE drug into her, when there are a dozen out there we could try at smaller doses first...
 So all morning (I understand it's only 9am and some of you may not even be out of bed yet, but I've been sitting here 2 hours in front of my computer) neglecting my term paper due in two weeks, and online exam due tomorrow in order to do my own research on other ADHD medication options, side effects of each, and pouring through user reviews to try to find one I'm willing to try.
Some of the reviews really bothered me. They talked about how their son is on X drug for ADHD, but on Y drug to alleviate the side effects of irritability (or whatever, that was just the most common one I saw) from the X drug! Seriously?! Yes, lets PLEASE pump our small children full of a dozen different medications to make them "normal functioning." I don't blame parents for this as likely MOST of them just listen to their trusted doctors and are desperate for their children to succeed. I totally relate that that latter part. It was out of pure desperation that I finally relented and put J on medication for ADHD in the first place, but still actively search for other options to help treat her symptoms. I blame the doctors for this epidemic (yes, I do believe this medication to treat side effects to this medication that is used to treat the side effect for this other medication that is used to treat this problem- thing HAS become a true epidemic!). If not the doctors, then I blame the pharmaceutical companies. These people are the ones that are supposed to have the knowledge and medical backgrounds to help people not only get BETTER from whatever ailment they suffer, but assist in prevention as well. Is filling us all full of 50 different medications the answer? Obviously I'm going with a great big "NO" but I'm probably beginning to sound a bit preachy so I should probably step off my soap box.

I got my weekly progress report emailed to me on Monday. This one was a little different from the others in that it actually posted reading, spelling, and math scores. J is doing quite poorly in reading. See, they have this program they do here (new from the old school's program that I liked quite well) called "Red Dot Book" where they bring home a book or two each night of their choosing, so long as it has a red dot on the spine. The next day they are tested over the book(s) to test comprehension. They must get 100 points by the end of the year, each book being worth 1 point. As of Monday J had 6 points. This is (I feel) mostly because she has been bringing home these books that even a fourth grader would struggle to comprehend. I can't remember the title, but one book in particular still sticks out with me that she brought home a few weeks ago about a Native American Legend. Even while reading it to her (three times total!) I kept thinking, who the hell allowed her to check out this book?! sure enough, the results of her test were a score of 4/10. Quite frankly I was pretty darn proud she got FOUR of the points!
So, since Monday, I have been attempting to get with her teacher after school (since I was not given any other means of contact with her...but that annoyance is for another time, another post) in order to try to discuss with her some plans of action to help J improve in this area.Today I finally got my chance. We determined that she obviously needs a little more direction while in the library choosing books. Not to say that they need to pick them out for her, but only that she needs to be steered into the area that books more appropriate for her age are at.
    J's teacher also brought it to my attention that she is really struggling with attention. Which tells me that the meds are no longer doing what they are supposed to be doing. You can guess how pleased I am with this news. Her teacher (Mrs. G) did tell me how much she supports me in that I would really rather not up her dosage if I don't have to. It was quite nice to hear that coming out of a teacher's mouth. I went on to tell her a bit about our journey last year in trying out other methods of treatment before giving in to medicine. It felt so good to hear that she was impressed/supporting in that we didn't just jump on the Ritalin bandwagon without hesitation. Mrs. G then went on to SHOW her support by saying she would start tracking when J is at her worst and see if there is a correlation in time, situations, etc. I told her how helpful that would be and thanked her enthusiastically. I really wasn't very "sure" about this teacher, but I'm beginning to feel like maybe she's all right after all.

It's been awhile...

     It's been awhile since I've posted because J seems to be doing quite well, at least at school where it is most important. We still struggle, particularly on Sundays, with impulsivity and some destructive behaviors that has had me tempted at times to give her her medicine on the weekends, even though I'm against it.
     J has recently discovered Classical Music and LOVES it. It just so happens I was doing research on ADHD for a couple of papers I'm writing for a class and came across a study done on the use of Music Therapy in ADHD children. The study concluded, after surveying 98 Music Therapists in 46 States that there was significant improvement in behavioral problems associated with ADHD in about 90% of the children. These kids usually were being treated by others methods in conjunction with the Music Therapy, which makes sense in my own experience. So, I created her own playlist on my iPad of classical music of which I tested last night when she was supposed to be picking up her room. She was done in about 20 minutes. Anyone who knows this little girl can attest to the fact that she will sit in there for DAYS (seriously, DAYS) on end and still not clean her room. I am aware that this could just be a fluke. But it motivated me to look up Music Therapists in our area. So far the closest program I have found is out of Lawrence, about an hour and a half or so from us. I will keep looking though, because the idea of it sounds awesome!

     As of late I've really been struggling with R, who will be 4 next month. In the past it has been suggested to me to medicate him, by J's therapist. Obviously my feelings about medication prevent me from doing this, just as it did with J. He has a very different personality and demeanor than J though. She is sweet and kind, albeit a total "space cadet" and occasionally destructive. R though, has always, even as an infant, been either hot or cold. He can be loving and want to cuddle, then the next second be screaming in your fact and kicking you. Lately it's been more of the latter than the former. He is exhausting in that he refuses to be "controlled." Even knowing that eventually he WILL go to bed, he will still fight it from the moment it's time to brush teeth. Then leave his room a dozen times, make you literally chase him through the house, then kick and hit as you carry him back up the stairs to his room. This is not just a bedtime issue, this is an ongoing issue regardless of what the task is or time of day. Yesterday him and I decided it would be fun to walk the six blocks to J's school to pick her up instead of driving. We barely made it a block before he decided he wanted carried and complained his feet hurt. I suppose it would have been the smart move to just turn around and go home and get the truck, but I convinced myself that he would improve as we continued walking. There were several yards where he was listening, but I'm pretty sure I spent at least half of the trip there dragging him by the arm because he didn't want to walk, OR walked so slowly a snail could have slimmed laps around him. By the time we picked up Jocelyn and began our walk across the parking lot, he started his classic trick of standing and refusing to move. With many children you can just start walking and they will start running after you. Not this child. Either he KNOWS you won't leave him, or he really doesn't care. So I walked over there, picked him up, and started my trek home... him kicking and screaming on my hip. You can only imagine the looks I received from passing motorists. A few were looks of pity, but most were looks that lead me to expect a knock at my door, DCF badge in hand of the person waiting for me to answer. I put him down a few times, hoping he'd walk, but no. I was literally in tears by the time I approached our yard, Feeling completely incompetent as a parent to this child, and utterly clueless as to how to fix it before it escalates to the point of no return. These are the kinds of things he does daily, although usually not quite as public as this incident (because I'm not usually stupid enough to take him out in public and risk it). I almost called our pediatrician this morning, begging for advice. He and I have had conversations about his behavior in the past, although we've never really set out on a course of action to try to recify it. But,we need to do something before any positive relationship potential,is lost, and R has lasting negative affects (not to mention the possibility that I may go completely bonkers and end up in a State institution).                                                                       l

A little Update?

Haven't posted in awhile... haven't had a whole lot to talk about since J started meds and in the just over two months she was on them before school let out, she went from looking at the possibility of repeated kindergarten, to being almost caught up with her fellow classmates. I don't just attribute this to her meds though, she had many dedicated teachers, and an incredible desire to learn to go with them. Without those other two components, I don't think meds would have had much of an impact. Which leads me to the main theme of this post...

ADHD and depression often go hand in hand, particularly in adulthood. Without treated both issues, the treatment of just one generally deems ineffective. I am currently struggling with this problem with the husband... not that he would admit it, nor would he be happy with me if he knew I was broadcasting it over the internet, but who cares, it's not like he's happy with me half the time anyway these days it seems.
The husband has been diagnosed, and medicated off and on for ADHD since he was three, in 1979. Yes, I said 1979, of which back then ADHD was a foreign concept.  Because of this foreign concept that ADHD was, he was basically a guinea pig and tried several different meds over the years and even spent some time in State Institutions (if you ask me, this was probably a result of negative side affects of these various drug trials).

Over the years, and as he got older and more in control of his own livelihood, he spent much of his late teens and early twenties completely un-medicated, turning to drugs and alcohol to cope with his "defects." This is an incredibly common scenario with adults who suffer from ADHD that's largely left untreated, or managed poorly. Depression comes along with it when left untreated... they get to the point where they feel hopeless, and possibly have come to accept that they are stupid, worthless, lazy, or whatever it is they have had engrained into their minds over the course of their childhood.

I'm proud of my husband in many respects since we started dating, and although we still have many battles left to fight when it comes to his conditions, he has really come a long way from where he was when we first met. He stopped drinking and got back on Ritalin. A couple years later, he began his own business after many run-ins with bosses who couldn't handle having an employee who was smarter than them... and had no problem  TELLING them so (another adult ADHD issue... lack of a "filter" most people possess that helps us think before we act, or say something stupid, also known as issues with impulsiveness).
His business has done quite well, and he currently has more work than he can handle and has had to turn people down as of late... which sucks, but I suppose it's a GOOD problem. His work suits him quite well too, because the "job" is constantly changing... although if he ends up being stuck at one job too long, the motivation to finish often is affected. Adults with ADHD often flourish in a job of which the surroundings and "tasks" are constantly changing.

The husband is still plagued by things though, which I attribute to depression stemming from his life of constant struggles. (I should input here that I am NOT a psychologist and have zero "professional" training... only the life experience of being SURROUNDED by ADHD, and the years of constant personal research about it to help the people I love, and MYSELF, cope) Of course, you can't TELL him any of this, because he immediately, regardless of how "light" you attempt to make the conversation, goes into defensive mode and shuts down emotionally... unless you want to count the emotion of anger, which I believe is masking his true emotions of guilt and hopelessness. His med doctor once tried to put him on a "mood stabilizer." Those meds are still sitting in my medicine cabinet a year later, with only two missing. Husband's excuse/reasoning? he didn't like the way they made him feel. And even after him watching me with my OWN struggles of anxiety/depression and the roller coaster of an emotional ride it is to find the RIGHT medication to suit your own chemical make-up and needs... he is just convinced that because MAYBE this ONE medication (after two days, an antidepressant hasn't gotten into your system enough to even know if it works for you or not) didn't work, NONE of them will...it's that whole "hopelessness" thing, you know...

So, the question is: how do you help a person like this make the changes that are needed in order to be a HAPPY, emotionally stable, MOTIVATED, member of society/family??? I wish I had the answer for that, but as it is right now, I'm at a loss.

Holy Cow What a Difference!

So today was J's first day with the higher dose. I gave it to her today, even though it's Saturday and I don't plan to make a habit of giving her meds on the weekends, because I wanted to see for myself if there would be a noticeable change. We met my in-laws for lunch and she announced that she was not hungry. We weren't really surprised to hear this since Brent has a pretty significant loss of appetite when his meds are running through him.  But because J is so petite already, she in no way needs to miss any meals so this is NOT a good side affect for her. However, She did eat her entire grilled cheese sandwich and bowl of fruit so, maybe this will ultimately be a non-issue.
   Anyway- J had an AMAZING day! I can't think of any point that I had to redirect her, or get on to her about ANYTHING she was doing that she shouldn't have been. Even R was better behaved which goes to show that they really do feed off of one another. Even better, I forgot to take my own drugs last night (OOPS!) which would usually have me a heck of a lot more tense and irritable than usual but at no point did I feel like running through the streets screaming and pulling my hair out. I still feel relaxed... not pouring glasses of wine down my throat while yelling at the dogs. I'm even feeling motivated and may even get this mountain of clean laundry piled on my couch folded before bed. I could certainly get used to this!!

Our morning routine

     It's no wonder I'm so exhausted by 7am. Every morning I wake up at 6am and come down to let the dogs out. I make my coffee and J's breakfast shake, and put food out for the dogs. By this time J is up and sitting at the table... hopefully. Often however, she is sitting on the floor in the bathroom playing with a piece of lint and I have to remind her what she is supposed to be doing.
     By the time I coax J away from the three hundred things that distract her in the ten feet between her bedroom to the dining room table, R is yelling from his bedroom letting me know he is awake. He walks out of his bedroom and announces he wants cereal, knowing full and well that I am going to send him to my room to watch cartoons until I get J on the bus. A small tantrum never fails to occur, even though we started this "routine" to avoid further distractions for J five months ago.
     Once I get back to the dining room after getting R settled in J has likely slipped out of her chair and is chasing the cat, or something else equally NON-productive at getting ready for school. I sit with her at the table, reminding her of whatever time she has left to get ready for school.... fifteen-twenty minutes usually and we still have to get dressed, brush our hair and teeth, get socks and shoes and whatever seasonal outer-clothing is necessary for the day. Out of all of these items needed to gather, at least two are not where they should be and have to be looked for. J's idea of "looking" for things is either following me while I look, or wandering around the house not actually looking, although she'd beg to differ.
     Usually by about five till 7 I've lost my patience and am barking orders like a pissed off General. J has been "grounded" to the couch until her bus gets here, and I'm sitting right next to her, watching out the window for the lights of the bus coming down the dirt road. I'm frustrated, sweaty, and worst of all; my coffee is cold.