A little Update?

Haven't posted in awhile... haven't had a whole lot to talk about since J started meds and in the just over two months she was on them before school let out, she went from looking at the possibility of repeated kindergarten, to being almost caught up with her fellow classmates. I don't just attribute this to her meds though, she had many dedicated teachers, and an incredible desire to learn to go with them. Without those other two components, I don't think meds would have had much of an impact. Which leads me to the main theme of this post...

ADHD and depression often go hand in hand, particularly in adulthood. Without treated both issues, the treatment of just one generally deems ineffective. I am currently struggling with this problem with the husband... not that he would admit it, nor would he be happy with me if he knew I was broadcasting it over the internet, but who cares, it's not like he's happy with me half the time anyway these days it seems.
The husband has been diagnosed, and medicated off and on for ADHD since he was three, in 1979. Yes, I said 1979, of which back then ADHD was a foreign concept.  Because of this foreign concept that ADHD was, he was basically a guinea pig and tried several different meds over the years and even spent some time in State Institutions (if you ask me, this was probably a result of negative side affects of these various drug trials).

Over the years, and as he got older and more in control of his own livelihood, he spent much of his late teens and early twenties completely un-medicated, turning to drugs and alcohol to cope with his "defects." This is an incredibly common scenario with adults who suffer from ADHD that's largely left untreated, or managed poorly. Depression comes along with it when left untreated... they get to the point where they feel hopeless, and possibly have come to accept that they are stupid, worthless, lazy, or whatever it is they have had engrained into their minds over the course of their childhood.

I'm proud of my husband in many respects since we started dating, and although we still have many battles left to fight when it comes to his conditions, he has really come a long way from where he was when we first met. He stopped drinking and got back on Ritalin. A couple years later, he began his own business after many run-ins with bosses who couldn't handle having an employee who was smarter than them... and had no problem  TELLING them so (another adult ADHD issue... lack of a "filter" most people possess that helps us think before we act, or say something stupid, also known as issues with impulsiveness).
His business has done quite well, and he currently has more work than he can handle and has had to turn people down as of late... which sucks, but I suppose it's a GOOD problem. His work suits him quite well too, because the "job" is constantly changing... although if he ends up being stuck at one job too long, the motivation to finish often is affected. Adults with ADHD often flourish in a job of which the surroundings and "tasks" are constantly changing.

The husband is still plagued by things though, which I attribute to depression stemming from his life of constant struggles. (I should input here that I am NOT a psychologist and have zero "professional" training... only the life experience of being SURROUNDED by ADHD, and the years of constant personal research about it to help the people I love, and MYSELF, cope) Of course, you can't TELL him any of this, because he immediately, regardless of how "light" you attempt to make the conversation, goes into defensive mode and shuts down emotionally... unless you want to count the emotion of anger, which I believe is masking his true emotions of guilt and hopelessness. His med doctor once tried to put him on a "mood stabilizer." Those meds are still sitting in my medicine cabinet a year later, with only two missing. Husband's excuse/reasoning? he didn't like the way they made him feel. And even after him watching me with my OWN struggles of anxiety/depression and the roller coaster of an emotional ride it is to find the RIGHT medication to suit your own chemical make-up and needs... he is just convinced that because MAYBE this ONE medication (after two days, an antidepressant hasn't gotten into your system enough to even know if it works for you or not) didn't work, NONE of them will...it's that whole "hopelessness" thing, you know...

So, the question is: how do you help a person like this make the changes that are needed in order to be a HAPPY, emotionally stable, MOTIVATED, member of society/family??? I wish I had the answer for that, but as it is right now, I'm at a loss.

Our morning routine

     It's no wonder I'm so exhausted by 7am. Every morning I wake up at 6am and come down to let the dogs out. I make my coffee and J's breakfast shake, and put food out for the dogs. By this time J is up and sitting at the table... hopefully. Often however, she is sitting on the floor in the bathroom playing with a piece of lint and I have to remind her what she is supposed to be doing.
     By the time I coax J away from the three hundred things that distract her in the ten feet between her bedroom to the dining room table, R is yelling from his bedroom letting me know he is awake. He walks out of his bedroom and announces he wants cereal, knowing full and well that I am going to send him to my room to watch cartoons until I get J on the bus. A small tantrum never fails to occur, even though we started this "routine" to avoid further distractions for J five months ago.
     Once I get back to the dining room after getting R settled in J has likely slipped out of her chair and is chasing the cat, or something else equally NON-productive at getting ready for school. I sit with her at the table, reminding her of whatever time she has left to get ready for school.... fifteen-twenty minutes usually and we still have to get dressed, brush our hair and teeth, get socks and shoes and whatever seasonal outer-clothing is necessary for the day. Out of all of these items needed to gather, at least two are not where they should be and have to be looked for. J's idea of "looking" for things is either following me while I look, or wandering around the house not actually looking, although she'd beg to differ.
     Usually by about five till 7 I've lost my patience and am barking orders like a pissed off General. J has been "grounded" to the couch until her bus gets here, and I'm sitting right next to her, watching out the window for the lights of the bus coming down the dirt road. I'm frustrated, sweaty, and worst of all; my coffee is cold.

Finding Solace in the Community

It's official, I'm becoming a blog-a-holic!

     I just had to proclaim my unwavering dedication and appreciation to our Unitarian Universalist Fellowship community. Don't worry, I'm not going to try to recruit anyone with this post (although I'm happy to give more information about us to anyone who is interested! *wink*), but I can't get through the post trying to keep my community link anonymous.
     This afternoon was our Valentine's day Party for the Fellowship at Meadowlark Hills Retirement Community Center. This is the second "party" we've had there and first off, it's really cool that we have get-togethers there with the kids and elderly who reside there. Both generations enjoy "partying" with one another. Secondly, and most importantly... At one point during the party I sat back in my chair, watching R sitting on some eighty-ish year old woman's lap, and seeing 9 year old fellow RE child "I" carrying J around on her hip posing for pictures with her with their matching oversized heart sunglasses and giant flower hair accessories... and I realized just how accepting this little community of "religious misfits" truly are. Of course ACCEPTANCE is one of our key proclamations as a Unitarian Universalist... but in a world where someone will tell you, "Don't worry about it," when your crazy insane three year old squeezes their plastic cup of water until it spurts all over himself, the chair he's sitting on, and the floor; and you can tell that what they REALLY mean is, "Get your stupid kid out of here." You can see and feel the genuine TRUTH behind their smiles and reassurances that they don't think you're a shitty mom who can't control their kids.
     It's SO important to find a place like this, especially when you have children with special needs who you can't really take just ANYWHERE out in public for fear that they will at best, completely humiliate you with their lack of self control. It's so hard to stay home all the time, living in fear of how your children will act if you take them out. I do it, probably more than some, because I've gotten accustomed to the stares... and I think most of the time under the circumstances, my kids are decently behaved. They are certainly far from WELL BEHAVED... but I can usually at least keep them in a 5-10 foot radius of my presence.
     Something I've learned though, is that taking your hyper children out in public is a lose-lose situation.... you get glares for allowing them to run wild, and you also get glared at for disciplining them. It seems you are rarely around the right person at the right time... or that people just hate hyper children regardless of whether their parents appear to be trying to control them or not! I almost want to tell each and every one of the people I come across, "You should see them if I WASN'T trying to bring some calm sanity to their lives!"  Seriously, I love Brent, but I don't even want to think about what would happen to these kids if he ended up a single dad having to care for them. He's a WONDERFUL daddy, but because of his own struggle with ADHD; structure, order, and non chaos (even as little as the pathetic attempt I make) is not one of his strong points.
     Find that one place you can feel completely accepted in the world outside your own home, and hold on to it with both hands AND feet. A place like this is hard to come across, regardless of how NORMAL your family might be!