I am not a failure...I am NOT a failure

I am not a failure. I have to repeat this to myself often, particularly in the last few trying weeks. There are some days I can't even convince myself this. I read a blog post yesterday from a woman who has two children, both who have ADHD. It was talking about how many people don't believe this condition exists. At one point she stated something along the lines of this: "If you are a person who doesn't believe ADHD exists, then obviously you don't have it, nor have you had to watch your children struggle. Lucky you." There is nothing like this feeling of being a complete failure as a parent, watching your children not only struggle academically, but to also watch them be completely out of control, doing crap you KNOW you've taught them is wrong (or as I call it, "making bad choices"), trying to get them under control and listen, and not succeeding. Of course, people stare at you like, "get your mother-flipping kids under control lady." Eventually you just break down and cry. I can't tell you how often I have cried in the last few weeks with all that's going on with J, as well as with R who is completely our of control and because he is only four, there isn't really much we can do about it from a resource aspect.
The feelings of loneliness I think is the worst part. There are no support groups (at least in my area) for children with special needs. If there is a general "special needs" support group- I doubt we would be welcome; the disorder ADHD really is seen as a bit cliche' and almost viewed by many as just an excuse for misbehaving children: The author of yesterday's blog wasn't wrong about that fact. It's also hard to maintain friendships when you are constantly feeling so tense with stress nothing makes you smile, it's at that point when friendships, and adult contact is so important for keeping one's sanity. There are "friends" who have blown me off for other friends, which is something I thought was supposed to end with High School. But, there are also friends who have actually met me for lunch, or whatever it may be... for them I am eternally grateful, they have no idea how a few minutes of uninterrupted adult chat maintains my sanity. Of course there are the friends who have just as little time as me due to their own life issues: YAY Adulthood!
Regardless of friendships, or whatever it is I've rambled about, at the end of the day I'm just so tired of trying my damndness to succeed as a parent, and falling on my face every day. I literally just called the kids into the house and ushered them up the stairs to their rooms for harassing our neighbors, again (knocking on their doors and asking for stuff), when they knew full and well they were supposed to stay in the yard. This is actually new today- they are usually very good about staying in the yard. I mean, we've got an acre and a half of land to play in, no need to leave! So now, it's time to go up there and have the same conversation we already had once today. Wish me luck (more like patience).

The Med Game

Tomorrow J has a DR appointment in which we will break it to him that the current meds she's on just isn't working, and NO I will not raise the mgs again. 20mg seemed like a lot to be sticking into my 42 pound child and if it's not even taking the "edge" off, what's another 10mg gonna do? There are a half dozen different medications out there now for ADHD, with another half dozen used to treat other things but have been also proven to improve symptoms of ADHD, so there's no sense in just putting a higher dose of ONE drug into her, when there are a dozen out there we could try at smaller doses first...
 So all morning (I understand it's only 9am and some of you may not even be out of bed yet, but I've been sitting here 2 hours in front of my computer) neglecting my term paper due in two weeks, and online exam due tomorrow in order to do my own research on other ADHD medication options, side effects of each, and pouring through user reviews to try to find one I'm willing to try.
Some of the reviews really bothered me. They talked about how their son is on X drug for ADHD, but on Y drug to alleviate the side effects of irritability (or whatever, that was just the most common one I saw) from the X drug! Seriously?! Yes, lets PLEASE pump our small children full of a dozen different medications to make them "normal functioning." I don't blame parents for this as likely MOST of them just listen to their trusted doctors and are desperate for their children to succeed. I totally relate that that latter part. It was out of pure desperation that I finally relented and put J on medication for ADHD in the first place, but still actively search for other options to help treat her symptoms. I blame the doctors for this epidemic (yes, I do believe this medication to treat side effects to this medication that is used to treat the side effect for this other medication that is used to treat this problem- thing HAS become a true epidemic!). If not the doctors, then I blame the pharmaceutical companies. These people are the ones that are supposed to have the knowledge and medical backgrounds to help people not only get BETTER from whatever ailment they suffer, but assist in prevention as well. Is filling us all full of 50 different medications the answer? Obviously I'm going with a great big "NO" but I'm probably beginning to sound a bit preachy so I should probably step off my soap box.

I got my weekly progress report emailed to me on Monday. This one was a little different from the others in that it actually posted reading, spelling, and math scores. J is doing quite poorly in reading. See, they have this program they do here (new from the old school's program that I liked quite well) called "Red Dot Book" where they bring home a book or two each night of their choosing, so long as it has a red dot on the spine. The next day they are tested over the book(s) to test comprehension. They must get 100 points by the end of the year, each book being worth 1 point. As of Monday J had 6 points. This is (I feel) mostly because she has been bringing home these books that even a fourth grader would struggle to comprehend. I can't remember the title, but one book in particular still sticks out with me that she brought home a few weeks ago about a Native American Legend. Even while reading it to her (three times total!) I kept thinking, who the hell allowed her to check out this book?! sure enough, the results of her test were a score of 4/10. Quite frankly I was pretty darn proud she got FOUR of the points!
So, since Monday, I have been attempting to get with her teacher after school (since I was not given any other means of contact with her...but that annoyance is for another time, another post) in order to try to discuss with her some plans of action to help J improve in this area.Today I finally got my chance. We determined that she obviously needs a little more direction while in the library choosing books. Not to say that they need to pick them out for her, but only that she needs to be steered into the area that books more appropriate for her age are at.
    J's teacher also brought it to my attention that she is really struggling with attention. Which tells me that the meds are no longer doing what they are supposed to be doing. You can guess how pleased I am with this news. Her teacher (Mrs. G) did tell me how much she supports me in that I would really rather not up her dosage if I don't have to. It was quite nice to hear that coming out of a teacher's mouth. I went on to tell her a bit about our journey last year in trying out other methods of treatment before giving in to medicine. It felt so good to hear that she was impressed/supporting in that we didn't just jump on the Ritalin bandwagon without hesitation. Mrs. G then went on to SHOW her support by saying she would start tracking when J is at her worst and see if there is a correlation in time, situations, etc. I told her how helpful that would be and thanked her enthusiastically. I really wasn't very "sure" about this teacher, but I'm beginning to feel like maybe she's all right after all.

It's been awhile...

     It's been awhile since I've posted because J seems to be doing quite well, at least at school where it is most important. We still struggle, particularly on Sundays, with impulsivity and some destructive behaviors that has had me tempted at times to give her her medicine on the weekends, even though I'm against it.
     J has recently discovered Classical Music and LOVES it. It just so happens I was doing research on ADHD for a couple of papers I'm writing for a class and came across a study done on the use of Music Therapy in ADHD children. The study concluded, after surveying 98 Music Therapists in 46 States that there was significant improvement in behavioral problems associated with ADHD in about 90% of the children. These kids usually were being treated by others methods in conjunction with the Music Therapy, which makes sense in my own experience. So, I created her own playlist on my iPad of classical music of which I tested last night when she was supposed to be picking up her room. She was done in about 20 minutes. Anyone who knows this little girl can attest to the fact that she will sit in there for DAYS (seriously, DAYS) on end and still not clean her room. I am aware that this could just be a fluke. But it motivated me to look up Music Therapists in our area. So far the closest program I have found is out of Lawrence, about an hour and a half or so from us. I will keep looking though, because the idea of it sounds awesome!

     As of late I've really been struggling with R, who will be 4 next month. In the past it has been suggested to me to medicate him, by J's therapist. Obviously my feelings about medication prevent me from doing this, just as it did with J. He has a very different personality and demeanor than J though. She is sweet and kind, albeit a total "space cadet" and occasionally destructive. R though, has always, even as an infant, been either hot or cold. He can be loving and want to cuddle, then the next second be screaming in your fact and kicking you. Lately it's been more of the latter than the former. He is exhausting in that he refuses to be "controlled." Even knowing that eventually he WILL go to bed, he will still fight it from the moment it's time to brush teeth. Then leave his room a dozen times, make you literally chase him through the house, then kick and hit as you carry him back up the stairs to his room. This is not just a bedtime issue, this is an ongoing issue regardless of what the task is or time of day. Yesterday him and I decided it would be fun to walk the six blocks to J's school to pick her up instead of driving. We barely made it a block before he decided he wanted carried and complained his feet hurt. I suppose it would have been the smart move to just turn around and go home and get the truck, but I convinced myself that he would improve as we continued walking. There were several yards where he was listening, but I'm pretty sure I spent at least half of the trip there dragging him by the arm because he didn't want to walk, OR walked so slowly a snail could have slimmed laps around him. By the time we picked up Jocelyn and began our walk across the parking lot, he started his classic trick of standing and refusing to move. With many children you can just start walking and they will start running after you. Not this child. Either he KNOWS you won't leave him, or he really doesn't care. So I walked over there, picked him up, and started my trek home... him kicking and screaming on my hip. You can only imagine the looks I received from passing motorists. A few were looks of pity, but most were looks that lead me to expect a knock at my door, DCF badge in hand of the person waiting for me to answer. I put him down a few times, hoping he'd walk, but no. I was literally in tears by the time I approached our yard, Feeling completely incompetent as a parent to this child, and utterly clueless as to how to fix it before it escalates to the point of no return. These are the kinds of things he does daily, although usually not quite as public as this incident (because I'm not usually stupid enough to take him out in public and risk it). I almost called our pediatrician this morning, begging for advice. He and I have had conversations about his behavior in the past, although we've never really set out on a course of action to try to recify it. But,we need to do something before any positive relationship potential,is lost, and R has lasting negative affects (not to mention the possibility that I may go completely bonkers and end up in a State institution).                                                                       l

A little Update?

Haven't posted in awhile... haven't had a whole lot to talk about since J started meds and in the just over two months she was on them before school let out, she went from looking at the possibility of repeated kindergarten, to being almost caught up with her fellow classmates. I don't just attribute this to her meds though, she had many dedicated teachers, and an incredible desire to learn to go with them. Without those other two components, I don't think meds would have had much of an impact. Which leads me to the main theme of this post...

ADHD and depression often go hand in hand, particularly in adulthood. Without treated both issues, the treatment of just one generally deems ineffective. I am currently struggling with this problem with the husband... not that he would admit it, nor would he be happy with me if he knew I was broadcasting it over the internet, but who cares, it's not like he's happy with me half the time anyway these days it seems.
The husband has been diagnosed, and medicated off and on for ADHD since he was three, in 1979. Yes, I said 1979, of which back then ADHD was a foreign concept.  Because of this foreign concept that ADHD was, he was basically a guinea pig and tried several different meds over the years and even spent some time in State Institutions (if you ask me, this was probably a result of negative side affects of these various drug trials).

Over the years, and as he got older and more in control of his own livelihood, he spent much of his late teens and early twenties completely un-medicated, turning to drugs and alcohol to cope with his "defects." This is an incredibly common scenario with adults who suffer from ADHD that's largely left untreated, or managed poorly. Depression comes along with it when left untreated... they get to the point where they feel hopeless, and possibly have come to accept that they are stupid, worthless, lazy, or whatever it is they have had engrained into their minds over the course of their childhood.

I'm proud of my husband in many respects since we started dating, and although we still have many battles left to fight when it comes to his conditions, he has really come a long way from where he was when we first met. He stopped drinking and got back on Ritalin. A couple years later, he began his own business after many run-ins with bosses who couldn't handle having an employee who was smarter than them... and had no problem  TELLING them so (another adult ADHD issue... lack of a "filter" most people possess that helps us think before we act, or say something stupid, also known as issues with impulsiveness).
His business has done quite well, and he currently has more work than he can handle and has had to turn people down as of late... which sucks, but I suppose it's a GOOD problem. His work suits him quite well too, because the "job" is constantly changing... although if he ends up being stuck at one job too long, the motivation to finish often is affected. Adults with ADHD often flourish in a job of which the surroundings and "tasks" are constantly changing.

The husband is still plagued by things though, which I attribute to depression stemming from his life of constant struggles. (I should input here that I am NOT a psychologist and have zero "professional" training... only the life experience of being SURROUNDED by ADHD, and the years of constant personal research about it to help the people I love, and MYSELF, cope) Of course, you can't TELL him any of this, because he immediately, regardless of how "light" you attempt to make the conversation, goes into defensive mode and shuts down emotionally... unless you want to count the emotion of anger, which I believe is masking his true emotions of guilt and hopelessness. His med doctor once tried to put him on a "mood stabilizer." Those meds are still sitting in my medicine cabinet a year later, with only two missing. Husband's excuse/reasoning? he didn't like the way they made him feel. And even after him watching me with my OWN struggles of anxiety/depression and the roller coaster of an emotional ride it is to find the RIGHT medication to suit your own chemical make-up and needs... he is just convinced that because MAYBE this ONE medication (after two days, an antidepressant hasn't gotten into your system enough to even know if it works for you or not) didn't work, NONE of them will...it's that whole "hopelessness" thing, you know...

So, the question is: how do you help a person like this make the changes that are needed in order to be a HAPPY, emotionally stable, MOTIVATED, member of society/family??? I wish I had the answer for that, but as it is right now, I'm at a loss.

Holy Cow What a Difference!

So today was J's first day with the higher dose. I gave it to her today, even though it's Saturday and I don't plan to make a habit of giving her meds on the weekends, because I wanted to see for myself if there would be a noticeable change. We met my in-laws for lunch and she announced that she was not hungry. We weren't really surprised to hear this since Brent has a pretty significant loss of appetite when his meds are running through him.  But because J is so petite already, she in no way needs to miss any meals so this is NOT a good side affect for her. However, She did eat her entire grilled cheese sandwich and bowl of fruit so, maybe this will ultimately be a non-issue.
   Anyway- J had an AMAZING day! I can't think of any point that I had to redirect her, or get on to her about ANYTHING she was doing that she shouldn't have been. Even R was better behaved which goes to show that they really do feed off of one another. Even better, I forgot to take my own drugs last night (OOPS!) which would usually have me a heck of a lot more tense and irritable than usual but at no point did I feel like running through the streets screaming and pulling my hair out. I still feel relaxed... not pouring glasses of wine down my throat while yelling at the dogs. I'm even feeling motivated and may even get this mountain of clean laundry piled on my couch folded before bed. I could certainly get used to this!!

Our morning routine

     It's no wonder I'm so exhausted by 7am. Every morning I wake up at 6am and come down to let the dogs out. I make my coffee and J's breakfast shake, and put food out for the dogs. By this time J is up and sitting at the table... hopefully. Often however, she is sitting on the floor in the bathroom playing with a piece of lint and I have to remind her what she is supposed to be doing.
     By the time I coax J away from the three hundred things that distract her in the ten feet between her bedroom to the dining room table, R is yelling from his bedroom letting me know he is awake. He walks out of his bedroom and announces he wants cereal, knowing full and well that I am going to send him to my room to watch cartoons until I get J on the bus. A small tantrum never fails to occur, even though we started this "routine" to avoid further distractions for J five months ago.
     Once I get back to the dining room after getting R settled in J has likely slipped out of her chair and is chasing the cat, or something else equally NON-productive at getting ready for school. I sit with her at the table, reminding her of whatever time she has left to get ready for school.... fifteen-twenty minutes usually and we still have to get dressed, brush our hair and teeth, get socks and shoes and whatever seasonal outer-clothing is necessary for the day. Out of all of these items needed to gather, at least two are not where they should be and have to be looked for. J's idea of "looking" for things is either following me while I look, or wandering around the house not actually looking, although she'd beg to differ.
     Usually by about five till 7 I've lost my patience and am barking orders like a pissed off General. J has been "grounded" to the couch until her bus gets here, and I'm sitting right next to her, watching out the window for the lights of the bus coming down the dirt road. I'm frustrated, sweaty, and worst of all; my coffee is cold.

The Next Step

We checked in with our Therapist this evening, and by that I turned in J's teacher assessment, as well as my own, and they were scored. Although we already knew what they answer would be but the filled out sheets were necessary paperwork in order to get J a Case Manager. From what I understand, a Case Manager is like a "boys and girls club" type mentor- only with professional training like a therapist. This person will pick her up, likely from school, once a week, and take her places and do things with her, all the while working on the necessary skills needed for her to cope with her ADHD struggles. I'm really looking forward to this next step and am hoping that joined together with it, and other behavioral modification techniques, one day we will have the tools to be without medicine.
     Speaking of meds; we've now been on meds for ten days and according to her teacher, if anything she's regressed in some skills. Great. I haven't seen any change in her at home, which is a good thing because she's on such a low dose at the moment that her doctor says it's supposed to begin wearing off around 1pm every day. Therefore, any change I'd see would likely be changes in personality and/or moods which is NOT something that is supposed to happen. Friday is our two week check and I'm afraid he'll probably put her on a higher dose. I suppose this is OK, I'm on a significantly high dosage of my own "happy pill" med so I suppose it should only be expected that my kid need an insane high amount of drug in order to be a "normal functioning person" (insert eye roll here).
    We should be hearing from her new case manager hopefully in the next couple weeks. I'm so excited for this next step.

"But I don't WANT to go to JAIL!"

     Impulsivity. According to the red squiggly line under the word, it's apparently not seen as a real word, but I disagree so I'm going to leave it.
     I think that may be part of the problem we are having with J and stealing. She can't control her impulses, and has a hard time understanding cause and effect. I googled "ADHD and Stealing" and it came up with dozens of parents expressing the same issues with their ADHD children. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not trying to give my kid excuses for every poor choice she makes in her life. I assure you that stealing, along with so many other crappy decisions I expect she'll make throughout her childhood, will NOT be tolerated regardless of any excuse she might seem to have to make said choices. To prove this, after I caught her stuffing keychains into her coat pocket at Walgreens this afternoon, I drove little miss J to the police station in order to let a police officer speak with her about stealing.  This is kind of a "last resort" effort after the countless times I've grounded her to her room, forced her to walk back into the store and hand the stolen item to a checker and apologize, sat down with her and just talked with her about the consequences she might face, and even trying to put her in the "victim's" shoes by asking her how she would feel if someone broke into our house and stole all our stuff. None of these tactics have worked so it was time to take things a step further!
     J cried the entire way from Walgreens to the police station, with responses like, "I don't WANT to go to JAIL! I don't want to be away from you!" my favorite was, "but I will starve because they have yucky food in jail!" I am still not clear about how she determined that their food is gross (although I have no doubt she's probably right!) but it certainly was funny the way her mind went! Once we got there, we ended up waiting in the lobby for over a half hour which effectively took a lot of the "punch" out of the whole thing, but I stuck it out and waited because had we decided to leave, I think that probably would have taught her the opposite of what I was going for. Once the officer finally came out to speak with us, he explained to her that if she kept stealing that she would be taken from me and be forced to live somewhere else with other "bad kids." I honestly didn't really LIKE him referring to any child as a "bad kid" because we've always taught her that there aren't really bad PEOPLE, but bad CHOICES... but I suppose if the technique gets her to stop stealing.... whatever.
     I sincerely HOPE that this radical choice I made to try to give my five year old a bit of "tough love" works. I don't want her to fear the police, and think they are out to get her, but I do want her to be aware that there are consequences to actions and that I may not always be there to help her out of any mess she may get herself in to as she grows up.

Finding Solace in the Community

It's official, I'm becoming a blog-a-holic!

     I just had to proclaim my unwavering dedication and appreciation to our Unitarian Universalist Fellowship community. Don't worry, I'm not going to try to recruit anyone with this post (although I'm happy to give more information about us to anyone who is interested! *wink*), but I can't get through the post trying to keep my community link anonymous.
     This afternoon was our Valentine's day Party for the Fellowship at Meadowlark Hills Retirement Community Center. This is the second "party" we've had there and first off, it's really cool that we have get-togethers there with the kids and elderly who reside there. Both generations enjoy "partying" with one another. Secondly, and most importantly... At one point during the party I sat back in my chair, watching R sitting on some eighty-ish year old woman's lap, and seeing 9 year old fellow RE child "I" carrying J around on her hip posing for pictures with her with their matching oversized heart sunglasses and giant flower hair accessories... and I realized just how accepting this little community of "religious misfits" truly are. Of course ACCEPTANCE is one of our key proclamations as a Unitarian Universalist... but in a world where someone will tell you, "Don't worry about it," when your crazy insane three year old squeezes their plastic cup of water until it spurts all over himself, the chair he's sitting on, and the floor; and you can tell that what they REALLY mean is, "Get your stupid kid out of here." You can see and feel the genuine TRUTH behind their smiles and reassurances that they don't think you're a shitty mom who can't control their kids.
     It's SO important to find a place like this, especially when you have children with special needs who you can't really take just ANYWHERE out in public for fear that they will at best, completely humiliate you with their lack of self control. It's so hard to stay home all the time, living in fear of how your children will act if you take them out. I do it, probably more than some, because I've gotten accustomed to the stares... and I think most of the time under the circumstances, my kids are decently behaved. They are certainly far from WELL BEHAVED... but I can usually at least keep them in a 5-10 foot radius of my presence.
     Something I've learned though, is that taking your hyper children out in public is a lose-lose situation.... you get glares for allowing them to run wild, and you also get glared at for disciplining them. It seems you are rarely around the right person at the right time... or that people just hate hyper children regardless of whether their parents appear to be trying to control them or not! I almost want to tell each and every one of the people I come across, "You should see them if I WASN'T trying to bring some calm sanity to their lives!"  Seriously, I love Brent, but I don't even want to think about what would happen to these kids if he ended up a single dad having to care for them. He's a WONDERFUL daddy, but because of his own struggle with ADHD; structure, order, and non chaos (even as little as the pathetic attempt I make) is not one of his strong points.
     Find that one place you can feel completely accepted in the world outside your own home, and hold on to it with both hands AND feet. A place like this is hard to come across, regardless of how NORMAL your family might be!

DESTRUCTION

Is being destructive a symptom of ADHD? I'm really not sure, although I'm pretty convinced that there's certainly a correlation between the two. It gets really old not being able to have anything nice because ultimately it gets ruined. I've grown somewhat accustomed to the fact I will not likely be allowed to keep anything of any value for the next 30 years, but there are still days I imagine myself locking my kids in a completely empty room, naked (because they would tear up their clothes if that's the only option they had to destroy).
     J is five and still has not "grown out" of drawing on her walls. She knows full and well that she's not supposed to, and that it's wrong... but I have three foot tall letters spelling out her name going down the walls of her room. I have little round people with stick arms and legs going up my stairwell. You name it, there are stickers stuck to it.
    Why am I posting about this now? Particularly since this is my SECOND post of the day? Well, this is today's list of destruction: approximately 5 loads of folded laundry thrown to the floor and strewn about, an entire box of spaghetti noodles dumped out on the kitchen floor, a dumped trashcan, and a sheet of stickers; partially stuck to my last remaining UNtouched dining room chair, and partially ripped up and thrown in the trashcan in anger by me.
    Mommy Meltdown mode almost became a reality tonight. I'm kind of proud of myself for not taking the entire stash of stickers we have and ripping them up, throwing the pieces to the ground, and screaming at the top of my lungs while I jump up and down on top of them.
     To some NON parents, or just plain ignorant parents; the thoughts are probably that I am a poor supervisor. I'm sure I could probably do better, but  if I spent every one of my childrens' waking moments staring at them with hawk eyes, there are lots of household duties that would never get done. I don't know about you but I don't own enough dishware to keep us for weeks. Not to mention, the dogs have to pee sometime.
     Anyone with any ideas on how to keep these kids from being destructive, I'm all ears. Seriously. Time for a glass of wine in the shower before bed. Good night!

To medicate, or not to medicate...?

     I'd been adamantly against medication for over a year now, ever since the possibility of ADHD came to light. Who wants to just hand their four year old a stimulant? She was (still is!) just a BABY! It's weird though, the differences in feelings we have with medications for the mind, compared to medications for physical ailments. It wasn't until our consultation with J's pediatrician and in my response to my eager denial of medicating her he said, "We don't want necessarily want to medicate our children for asthma, but we want them to be able to run the race." Which gave me an "ah ha!" moment:
    J was diagnosed with asthma when she was three, and I didn't think twice about administering her a steroid (pulmicort)  in order for her to be able to breathe. So what's the difference? I think that because physical ailments can be SEEN as harmful to the self, medication isn't questioned. But we can't SEE the harmful effects mental ailments have on people... maybe we don't even see them as REAL issues that need meds. This is certainly not the case for me though. Almost every person I know, including myself, are on some sort of Anti-anxiety/antidepressant/etc medication. The Husband is on Ritalin himself, and NEEDS the medication to function with some sort of structure. I think my reasoning behind my choice to not medicate her over a year ago was because  I really didn't feel that her symptoms were severe enough to justify meds, especially when there are other options out there to try.
   Behavior modification/management is a very important technique to incorporate into the life of someone with ADHD with or without the help of medication. This of course includes structure and routine, bu also includes the encouragement of good behavior and appropriate consequences for negative behavior. Sounds like pretty typical parenting doesn't it? You're like, "Duh, these "techniques" are necessary for parenting of ALL children!" Here's a difference: these kids need visuals and a majority of the time a reward system is also necessary. star charts, reminder notes...anything they can see and touch. I have a little confession though: I HATE REWARD SYSTEMS. Why should I have to buy my kid a toy, or give her candy in order for her to behave and do things she should just do because she should, or so that I don't get upset? Well, for J, there's no end result to cleaning her room other than having a clean room, which she could care less about. I've learned though, that a reward doesn't have to be necessarily material for it to work. I'll let J pick what we're going to eat for supper, or pick a movie for movie night. I can live with those types of rewards and not feel like I'm selling out to the "what am I going to GET if I do what you want" (ugh, I REALLY hate that question).
     There's also some evidence out there that suggests that diet can make or break ADHD symptoms. There's no question that cutting out SUGAR is beneficial to all children's hyperactivity and should be a no brainer. Foods that encourage brain activity, and productivity can be helpful. Omega-3 fatty acids, protein, and complex carbs are all nutrients that are supposed to help with the various symptoms of ADHD.
     A few months ago J's sleep habits got worse than ever. She's never been much of a sleeper, began refusing naps at 2 and a half, fought her 8pm bedtime more than most kids,  and was up with the sun (sometimes sooner) regardless of what time she went to bed. But in the last few months I question whether she slept much at all. The bags under her eyes, and the many times caught wandering the house at 3 or 4 am. I actually began to worry about her safety, particularly the 4am moment I caught her ON TOP of the refrigerator trying to get into god only knows what. A dear friend suggested I try to give her melatonin to help her sleep. I found some chewables at Wal-Greens and that night was the first time in months I had to wake HER up to get ready for school at 6am. I was sold. There was one night a couple weeks ago I sent her to bed without it (accidentally) and I went up there the next morning to put some folded laundry away and found her castle tent, that was still in the box the night before, completely erected with a little blanket, pillow, and stuffed animal nest inside. This wasn't an untwist-and-pop up tent either, it requires poles.
     Now to get to the question I imagine most are wondering... whether I decided to medicate J. I did, only after J's pediatrician assured me that I could stop it whenever I wanted to, without any risk of side affects. I truly hope it's just a temporary thing. We are in the works of getting her a case manager, as well as getting her into play therapy to help with managing her symptoms. Because these other resources are several weeks out before we can incorporate them, and the fact that she is continuing to struggle more and more in school, with her teachers getting more and more worried about her progress... I gave in. We are now in day four and no word as to whether it's beginning to help. I suppose it probably takes a week or so to begin to notice anything though. We shall see!!

Keeping a Routine

     All children LOVE routine. In a world filled with uncertainties and full of situations/things they can't control; a routine is something they can count on. People who struggle with ADHD desire and NEED routine all the more. This doesn't just apply to children with ADHD, but adults as well. Our family has a basic routine down during the week, but on the weekends all bets are off. This is not something I'm particularly proud of, I would LOVE to say that we still get up at 6:30-7am, have a pancake and egg breakfast, get dressed, do crafts, lunch, nap, etc, etc, etc.... BUT we do not. First off, this mama likes to SLEEP, and during the week I don't get much. Therefore, I'm guilty of letting the kids stay up an hour or so later (I still go to bed between 10 and 11 because I'm THAT cool), so that they MIGHT sleep until at LEAST 7:30; and if I'm lucky 8am. Secondly, we are often on the go from Friday evening through Sunday afternoon. Be it church activities, planned activities with friends and family, or spontaneous trips to places where kids and dogs can RUN. Weekends are about family, and fun... NOT ADHD and hair pulling stress. However, the lack of routine creates its own stress issues.
     Last summer we went on vacation to New York,and J honestly thought we had moved there. This threw her whole world upside down. Her reaction to this was accidents. Not just a couple here and there, but by our second day there we had her exclusively in diapers. As explained to me; the anxiety and stress she felt because of the lack of familiarity and routine caused her to not even be able to recognize her own internal cues for having to go potty. Her therapist diagnosed her with Daytime Urinalysis.
     We had similar issues the previous February shortly after she was moved to a new classroom with a new teacher and new classmates. She would only have accidents there, even happening three times in one afternoon on an occasion. Looking back, it is obvious that this was a reaction to the change in her life. It's just a fairly recent development that we've finally gotten her accidents under control for the most part. But she does have them occasionally when we are doing something out of the ordinary.
     I do have a goal to get our lives more organized, weekends included. It's certainly a difficult thing to do though...
      One person, trying to organize the lives of four people, three of which minds resemble a 20 gallon tub full of jigsaw pieces.

The good AND the bad

     J is a beautiful, caring, smiley child. There isn't a soul alive she wouldn't give a hug to. She is very attuned to my emotions as well, which can make things difficult at times particularly when I reach "mommy melt down" point. I don't reach that point too often, but when I do it's because both of them have pushed me over the brink. R is three. He's The Husband's son, so the possibility of him being diagnosed with ADHD pretty substantial. At three, and being a boy, he's incredibly active, and to be blunt; pretty much hair pulling CRAZY anyway. Now you get why my URL is ADHD surrounded? Yep, I'm literally SURROUNDED!
     But anyway, apparently I just had an ADD moment myself (haha). As I was saying, J is a very emotionally sensitive child. This can be a good trait, because she is incredibly empathetic towards others, and I could totally see her as a special needs provider of some sort one day. But on the flip side, it can be somewhat trying at times because giving consequences to a child who is so emotionally charged can be like trying to sooth a pissed off crocodile.
     There are other good traits J possesses that (in my experience, AND research) most people with ADHD seem to have. Creativity. J is quite the artist, and can color in the lines better than I (with my emerging tremor, this is not a difficult task). In general, she is really quite good at ANYTHING that involves abstract thinking. At three, she was the only kid in either of her preschool classes who could complete a 24 piece puzzle. She does 100 piece puzzles with ease these days. It's tasks like these that puts her in "hyperfocus" mode, and it's difficult to pull her away from such tasks before she's done. This has a downside though, because in school these things have time constraints and when it's time to clean up, it's time to clean up... but J will NOT clean up because she is not finished with what she is doing, and therefore will seem to be disobeying. Of course this is exactly what she IS doing, but she's not doing it to be deviant, she's doing it because in this hyperfocus moment, her mind will not allow her to pull away from her task.
     J still cannot complete two step directions. Half the time she cannot even complete a one step direction without several prompts (reminders as to what she's supposed to be doing), particularly when there is a lot of distractions. We have been able to eliminate this problem in the mornings by having R watch cartoons in our bedroom in the mornings until J is out the door and on the bus. Unfortunately there is little that can be done to help her in the classroom setting where distractions are as common as nightly glasses of wine I consume to decompress from my days filled with the chaotic madness that is my ADHD surrounded life. Her teacher has her sitting front and center in the classroom, with charts covering her desk to help keep her "organized," as well as a little "shield" like cover that she can put around herself while she does her schoolwork. The shield actually seems to help a bit, and J seems to know it because she's even asked her teacher for it when it hasn't been offered to her. This of course tells us that she desperately WANTS to learn, and listen, and be able to do all the things she "should" be able to do, but her mind will just not allow her to a lot of the time. Things are in the works to hopefully help her to be able to do this. More on that another day....

So it begins

     Many people I know have began blogging lately and I had considered starting my own but thought, "What the heck do I have to say that anyone will have ANY interest in reading about?"

Then, this afternoon while sitting at the park with my kids, reading "Driven to Distraction" by Doctors Edward M Hallowell, and John J Ratey, I realized that I did in fact have something to talk about. Heck, I've had something to talk about since the day, almost five years ago, when I began seriously dating my now (soon to be) husband. That was the day ADHD entered my life. 

     Even if no one ever reads this blog, and these words are just absently floating about the world wide web like so much of the other junk that clogs up useful information that people want to read; it's ok. At least I can get my thoughts and feelings out somehow and not have them bubbling inside me like the heartburn one experiences after stupidly eating week old chili. You can't talk about ADHD with someone who HAS ADHD because to them it's like you're berating them, and it's just another reminder to them how "damaged" they are. So obviously, there's no one in my own house I can vent to about my feelings, or even information I come across in my constant quest for new ideas in dealing with ADHD.

     I should probably provide a little bit of background on myself, as well as my family. I became a fairly young mom at the age of 21. I was married to my daughter's father, but it was short lived. Marriages don't tend to work out when one partner wants to keep their genitals within the sanctity of the marriage, and the other wants to spread their "wealth" with others. We didn't even make it last to the birth of our beautiful daughter. However, I met The Husband when J was about nine months old, and began dating him a month or so (dates, times, etc are a bit hazy, and really not that important) later. If memory serves, he was pretty open about his ADHD right from the start, but seemed to have it fairly together, although looking back I realize just how much of a mess he was. But I have a tendency to fall for the "messes" because I can see that person inside of them, the person who has their shit together, who desperately wants a chance to show themselves.  I won't get into the details because he'll probably be pissed off that I called him a "mess" if he reads this, let alone open his closet of skeletons for all to read about... so I won't. But I will say, that after about a year together, and finding out I was pregnant, he finally gave in and got back on meds. I won't say things have been, or are currently, perfect since his getting medicated.... there are still "symptoms" that the medicine doesn't seem to touch that cause a great deal of frustration on my and his parts, along with the feelings of worthlessness and of being a total failure on his. However, he really has come a long way. He's now a pretty successful "handyman" running his own one man business. I'm lucky enough that I can work part time for my parents and go to school, while he brings in enough money to financially support us. 

     This blog really isn't about The Husband and HIS ADHD though. I'm sure it'll come up from time to time in my writings, but what I'm really looking to get out is my journey with my now OFFICIALLY diagnosed ADHD daughter. J is five. We've been seeing a therapist since she was four for some bizarre behaviors she was exhibiting at the time. None of those behaviors seem to really show up in symptom books I've read on ADHD, but I'm sure there is some correlation somewhere out there. 

     J was accepted into special education preschool through our local school district for struggles with speech, cognitive, and social skills when she was not quite three. She began preschool in August of 2009 at three and a half. From the get-go she struggled following simple instructions, as well as learning simple routines. These issues continued throughout the school year, and into the next with very little improvement and mounting other problems as expectations rose to match those of her classmates. She had problems focusing, best described by many as being "flaky" and struggled following "social ques" of her classmates. Basically, it can be said that J lived in her own world most of the time. She would sit NEXT to other students and play beside them, and interact with them if they initiated conversation, but otherwise she was content to just do her own thing. When these problems were brought up with her therapist, as well as issues of similar that we were experiencing at home, Jane (therapist) determined J had the minimum amount of markers necessary for an ADHD diagnosis. It was still questionable as to whether that was the real issue, or whether J's problems were more anxiety based. 

     It wasn't until this year, kindergarten, that the problems J has been having have really escalated. It's not necessarily that her symptoms are getting worse, but that the learning expectations they have for kindergartners are much more than a preschooler, therefore the struggles she has to meet those expectations are greater. So upon several troubling email exchanges between her teacher and myself, on top of the MANY problems that only seemed to be getting worse at home, we made an appointment with J's pediatrician who sent home a "survey" for her teacher to fill out. I made a copy of this filled out survey and gave it to Jane. Both now say she definitely meets all the criteria for ADHD. 

     I feel like I'm writing a novel, and going on much more will only bore the MAYBE 2.4 people who might POSSIBLY read this will immediately vacate and never come back. My hope is that my family's experiences with this journey can help others in their own journeys in raising special children. Not all of our experiences make me want to pull my hair out, then hide in a locked bathroom with a large bottle of booze.... some of the "symptoms" of ADHD are actually quite the opposite... but that's for another day. Thanks for reading!